Lily Gets Punted
by MirrorDede
Summary: Lily tries to 'play' with Liam in an inappropriate manner; Xerxes walks in on them and promptly punts her out the window. CRACK.  Retrace 56 spoilers


**Summary:** Lily tries to 'play' with Liam in an inappropriate manner; Xerxes walks in on them and promptly punts her out the window. CRACK. (Retrace 56 spoilers)

**Words:** 687

**Rated:** T for violence, language and mild 'naughtiness'

**Writer's Note:** For the record, I don't hate Lily, but I don't love her either. I hoped my relatively neutral stance on this polarizing character might make me especially suited to fill this kink meme request.

Thanks to total_alias for beta reviewing (I did change the thing quite a bit from the first draft she saw).

()

Liam was having tea by himself, and waiting for his friend Xerxes to show up. He was passing the time looking over some papers, but was having some difficulty considering the fact that his glasses were half-broken. _Lily's to blame_, he thought.

Lily was to blame for a lot of things. Her chain Bandersnatch had given him a nasty neck wound that was sure to scar. She had snatched his gun and given him quite a scare when she damn near shot his friend Xerxes with it. _I never screamed so loud in my life_, he thought. One might say she was even to blame for Fang's death, since the tattooed male Baskerville appeared to have jumped into the sword Xerxes had probably meant for Lily. Not that Liam cared much about Fang; it was simply that the little girl was nothing but a troublemaker for everyone, even her own people, as near as Liam could tell. _Children shouldn't be fighting_, he thought. _Children should be left to be children…playing, and innocent things like that._

His peaceful musings were interrupted by the shrill voice of a young girl calling his name.

"Liam! I found you!"

Lily came skipping into the room, a bright grin on her cute little face.

"Let's play!" she said, grabbing his arm. "Lottie's outside and I'm supposed to be looking for a sealing stone," she whispered loudly. "But I want to be with _you_, Liam!"

"Well, I'm flattered, Miss Lily," Liam protested, trying to keep himself from being yanked off his seat. "But I'm waiting for a friend and I don't feel like playing."

"B-but…I want to _play_, I want to have a friend, too!" Her lower lip quivered as she spoke.

Liam remembered his recent thoughts about children. _Play_, he thought. _At least it's better than fighting_. He sighed.

"What would you like to play, Miss Lily?" he said reluctantly.

"I want to play 'Hop on Liam'!" Lily said, jumping onto the man's lap and straddling his hips with her little legs. Liam gasped and tried to retain his composure as the girl pumped up and down on his lap. His damaged glasses knocked ajar, he took them off and put them on the table.

"Miss Lily!" he cried. "T-this is hardly an appropriate game for…"

"What do you mean, Liam! I'm having fun…aren't you?"

Liam wanted to shift her body off of his more intimate regions, but to do so, had to gingerly put his hands on her small waist, pick her up and scooch her back. No sooner had he done this, when she threw her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer, pumping up and down on him some more.

"Whee!" she sang out, her face open and free of all cares.

Xerxes Break came sauntering through the door and stopped cold: his eye, with its extremely poor vision, widened in horror. _What on earth is that girl doing to _my _friend…dry humping him?_ Liam looked at Xerxes with a face that said 'Get. This. Thing. Off. Me.' Lily was still making happy noises when Xerxes picked her up by the waist. He stepped back, made a disgusted face, and held her at arms length, as if she were covered with excrement.

"You want to play?" Xerxes said, scowling. "You can play with me!" Her little legs and arms were flailing about as he walked with her to the nearest open window. "You can be the ball, you little-"

"Xerx, you'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar," said Liam, reminding him of one of Lady Shelly's favorite expressions, as he attempted to clean his broken glasses (but then thought better of it, since he'd cut his finger on his last attempt.)

Xerxes put on his best fake smile and cooed,

"Curl up your arms and legs like a ball, Miss Lily! It'll be easier to play that way!"

Lily obediently curled up like a ball, her face eager and expectant. Xerxes dropkicked her out the window with a force and enthusiasm that would have made master kicker Gilbert proud.

"Normally I am fond of children, but YOU…." Xerxes muttered.

The sound of her happy squealing turned to screaming, and then there was a loud holler from Lottie as Lily landed right on top of her. Leon tried to protect his mistress from the threat posed by the little projectile, by taking a bite out of her neck. Lottie tried her best to control Leon, but the chain was frankly quite hungry and was taking bites of little Lily faster than the girl could heal herself.

"Ow! It hurts!" she cried out, from the pool of blood that was forming underneath her.

Xerxes wiped his hands together and turned to Liam, who was looking out the window, shaking his head in horror and disbelief, while simultaneously thinking the girl was getting a much-deserved come-uppance.

"I know you don't care for violence," said Xerxes. "But sometimes it's justified, ah? Be grateful I didn't outright _murder_ the little runt!" _Next time, maybe I will._

END


End file.
